There’s a part of every healing journey never talked about. It’s not glamorous, it can’t be sold and it goes against the grain of our culture of doing. It’s the part of the journey that requires nothing but being. It’s full of grace and power. It’s the part that actually gets you through any challenge including the seemingly impossible, multi-year ordeal that was my chronic fatigue survival and recovery. And it’s a part every single one of us, you included, has within us.
Chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) [or myalgic encephalomyelitis (ME)] is endlessly awful. It ruins your life, and to put the cherry on top people can’t (and don’t) grasp the magnitude of its pain. Whilst a cancer victim is justly automatically granted empathy, CFS victims are often looked at with suspicion and cynicism. It’s not about playing the suffering Olympics but as a disease experience, CFS is right up there with the worst. Add to that, it’s only recently being taken seriously medically, so it’s been under-studied and under-funded. An established doctor with expertise in both CFS and HIV given the choice would rather be HIV positive given the quality of life antiretrovirals provide. Many CFS patients, myself included, wish for cancer understanding that means at minimum a plan. Doctors will put you on a regiment, there will be an infrastructure in place, you get to fight the fight and actually arrive at an outcome, whether that’s surviving or dying. Because yes, in the midst of the hell of CFS, where nobody has any game plan for you, dying in the hopes of getting better is an absolutely welcomed gamble.
Having survived and completely healed myself of that misery, it logically follows that I am frequently asked how I reversed a dis-ease which within the mainstream medical field remains categorized as incurable and treated merely to manage symptoms. Let’s clear that confusion up quickly.
This is not true.
The dis-ease Western medicine labels CFS is entirely curable.
I am proof.
So, just how did I do it? Well, look, it’s not a simple answer. It really, really isn’t. Getting from the very depths of that misery to now living a super full and active lifestyle was a journey of a vast myriad of experiments and experiences. It was neither linear nor structured. It was neither pleasant nor embraceable. It was neither short nor simple. I found and leaned on many allies along the way, though the truth is the voyage through the CFS landscape is a deeply lonely one. Healing from chronic fatigue is a like putting together a ten thousand-piece puzzle, doing the vast portion of that blind, without much hope you’re even putting the pieces in the right places.
But there’s one thing that remained constant throughout. And it’s something never talked about despite it’s unavoidable power and necessity. I didn’t even appreciate or have the awareness it was happening at the time. Everyone wants to jump to the usual suspects, to DOING – medication, meditation, ERT, cognitive behavioral therapy, diet, etc. But here’s the secret to getting through something like CFS, or any malaise life throws your way.
99% of the time
YOU JUST HAVE TO HANG IN THERE
Hanging in there is simply about making it through the next day, through that next minute and next hour. For more than a year I honestly aimed at just making it through the next second. It’s not a pretty process, it’s not something that has a 10 step plan, it’s not sexy or makes for good marketing and it’s not something people will laud and applaud you for.
But hanging in there really is the
foundation of making it through any major challenge.
Because that’s where the majority of your healing experience is happening. Between the activities you ascribe as being beneficial, stretching or yoga or cooking a healthy meal or having a bath, that’s where all the hanging in there takes place. It’s utterly mundane and banal yet simultaneously the most heroic. When you don’t have anything else to do and you just have to be, be with yourself, with your pain, your hopelessness, your dashed dreams, your sadness, your anger, your disbelief, frustration, lack of motivation, doubt, fear, those are the moments you are actually fighting the biggest battle. That’s where you are sustaining your strongest self, by simply hanging in there moment to moment until summoning up the strength to undertake some new task hoping, praying, wishing it helps.
And it may not be pretty, but hell if it isn’t full of grace. The grace of not giving up. For however meaningless and trivial each and every moment can feel, how consumed in the pain and chaos of suffering you are, every moment you just hang in there you’ve at some level decided not to give up. That’s what heroes do. Grit, perseverance, courage, resolve, faith, hope. That’s everything encapsulated in every heroic story. That’s everything it takes to hang in there.
Was Samwise Gamgee’s most heroic moment when he lifted a spent Frodo up on his shoulders to carry him to the fires of Mount Doom, or was his most heroic moments every moment he simply hung in there by Frodo’s side for all of those miserable months? Is a soldier’s heroism in that decision to charge the enemy or all the many times before he could have given up but just hung in there in the hope one day they could go back home? Doing the big deed, finally slaying the dragon, sometimes that’s easier. At the very minimum, the moment is unmistakably right in front of you and you are often willed by more than your conscious mind to draw your sword. But just being, living in and being present to the darkness of your life, which is the majority of the dis-ease/healing journey, that’s where the battle is truly won.
And you don’t have to be battling something as brutal as CFS or cancer, regardless of the battle you currently find yourself in, and we all are engaged in at least one – losing weight, eating cleaner, waking up earlier, exercising more, looking for love, loving yourself, earning that promotion, finding that dream job, regretting the past, fearing for the future, contemplating if life is even worth living anymore – just keep hanging in there.
Because only by hanging in there can you see another sun rise and the hope of a new day can dawn. I know, I know, uber cliché, but also so bloody true. You don’t know what life is going to bring, what could be right around the corner whether a day or a month or year from now. Believe me, I’ve done this, I’ve lived this. I wanted to give up each and every day for countless days, I wanted it to end, I just couldn’t do it anymore. But I hung in there, somehow through pure grit and will, not smarts nor special powers, and eventually the pain began to subside, the chaos began to settle and the light pierced through the dark. And then you hang in there a little more, a little longer, take another unsteady step forward and eventually that hell you thought you’d never escape is behind you and that agony is nothing but hazy memories you barely can believe actually happened.
So dear reader out there, take a deep breath, steady yourself and…
just keeping HANGING IN THERE.
Photo by Road Trip with Raj on Unsplash
Disclaimer:
Remember dear reader, I am neither a doctor nor any sort of medical physician in any capacity. None of the information presented above can be construed as any sort of medical advice in any sort of manner. You as the reader is solely responsible for creating and implementing your own physical, mental and emotional well-being, decisions, choices and actions. As such, the reader agrees that the author is not and will not be liable or responsible for any actions or inaction taken by the reader or for any direct or indirect results. This information is simply presented and whatever you decide to do with it is your choice and your responsibility.
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